The Secrets of Bros

Being a world-renowned researcher can be hard sometimes. You go out interviewing people, and nobody minds filling out your two-page questionnaire. Things go smoothly and your research gets completed before you know it.

I, however, wouldn’t know about that.

That’s why sometimes it takes me quite a while to collect factual, up-to-date data for my next blog. And this time the topic was inexhaustible. I was basically trying to find out the most obvious things the opposite gender doesn’t know about us. The first post in this extremely confidential series will be the things women don’t know about bros.

1. Most guys are suckers for rom-coms.

Sorry boys, I guess I broke the bro code with this one. The moment a boy becomes a man, he goes through a hardwiring process that makes him whine and sigh whenever a romantic comedy pops up in the presence of another life form. The life form could be anything: another guy, a girl, the neighborhood cat, a houseplant with judgmental leaves.

He will complain about the acting, the script, the director, the weather outside, and the lack of explosions. But when he is truly alone, he’ll go on a rom-com marathon with snacks, feelings, and the curtains closed like he is committing a financial crime.

As a rule of thumb, we’ll refuse when you ask us about this. On the rare occasion a guy admits his guilty pleasure, he is either very secure or in the presence of someone he really cares about.

2. We assume everything is a signal.

This is something every guy has been guilty of at least once in his life. Imagine this: you are sitting in class, minding your own business, staring into space like a responsible citizen. Suddenly your trail of thought breaks and your eyes accidentally meet some guy’s eyes for one millisecond before you continue with your day.

You just made that guy think destiny has entered the chat.

He’ll probably think about you the whole day, tell his friend he “felt a vibe,” and create a full cinematic universe from one accidental glance. Nothing to worry about though. He’ll forget about it the moment someone else laughs at one of his jokes.

3. But we miss the real signals.

I know, a little bewildering. But true. Your average guy wouldn’t know a flirting sign if it hit him in the face, handed him a receipt, and asked him to preserve it for tax purposes.

You can laugh at his most unfunny one-liners, sit closer than normal, compliment his shirt, ask if he is free this weekend, and he will still go home thinking, “She seems friendly.” Three days later, when he is tying his shoes, it will dawn on him that you just might have been giving him subtle hints. By then, of course, the train has left the station and the station has been renamed.

4. The War of Handshakes is one of honor.

Guys go on a never-ending ego trip when they meet other guys, especially if they are being introduced by someone whose opinion matters. You might not notice this, but the moment two guys shake hands, a silent war takes place. Both of them gather intelligence. Grip strength. Eye contact. Shoulder angle. Unnecessary confidence.

Nobody says a word, but both walk away having reached a conclusion.

This competition goes on forever, even if one is clearly just trying to say hello and the other is treating the handshake like a deadlift. You should, however, never confront a man on this, because even though it may not appear so, our egos are frailer than you think.

5. Our emotional processing has terrible network speed.

This might be the biggest secret. A lot of guys do feel things deeply. They just receive the emotional notification three business days late.

In the moment, everything is fine. Something happens, they say “it’s chill,” and keep moving. Later, while brushing their teeth or waiting for Maggi to boil, the feeling arrives with full luggage. Suddenly they remember one sentence from 2017 and stare at a wall like the wall has answers.

This is why many guys look calm in situations where they should probably be reacting. They are not calm. The file is still downloading.

So these were some of the things that had to be said. I have another report for the opposite gender too, and boy was it a shocker for me.

Peace.