The Categorization Catch, Part II

A few posts back I put up a very thorough, research-backed paper which categorized people based on their observed behavior. Obviously, the scientific community was shaken. People were crying in the streets. Some were relieved to finally know why they were like this. Others, cowards mostly, pretended they did not see themselves in any category.

But research never sleeps. I came across a few more human-types and, for the sake of civilization, decided to document them too.

1. The Hoodie Gladiator

Favorite movie: Million Dollar Baby.

You are the person everyone calls when a sports team needs one more player, one more fight needs one more participant, or one group photo needs someone who refuses to pose normally. You have two modes: chill and unnecessarily competitive. You say things like “it’s just a game” right before treating badminton like a national emergency.

Your friends call you bro with more sincerity than they call actual bros bro. One time you beat someone so badly at a sport that they retired from the sport, deleted their sports app, and started calling themselves “more of an indoor person anyway.”

Rarity: 5%

2. The Fashion Forecast

Favorite movie: Clueless.

You do not follow trends. Trends follow you for three weeks, get exhausted, and collapse near a Zara billing counter. Your wardrobe has more planning than most people’s five-year career goals. No one has seen you wear the same outfit twice, and if they have, you have already filed an appeal with the Ministry of Looking Good.

You say “whatever” with the emotional range of an entire Shakespeare play. You are found at the mall, in a mirror, or explaining to someone why their shoes are technically fine but spiritually disturbing.

Rarity: 10%

3. The Selfie Historian

Favorite movie: Selfie, which I did not know existed either, but I respect the commitment.

Your phone contains enough close-ups of your face to help future archaeologists reconstruct human civilization. Every cafe, corridor, window, restroom mirror, and suspiciously clean car door is a potential photography studio.

You understand lighting the way sailors understand stars. Your left cheek has a brand strategy. Your Instagram grid has more continuity than most web series. Every picture looks effortless, which is usually how you know forty-seven attempts were involved.

Rarity: 8%

4. The Plan-Canceller

Favorite movie: The Fault in Our Stars. No, wait, it’s Beauty and the Beast. Actually, it might be Romeo and Juliet. Never mind, you will decide later.

You are the reason group plans need backup plans, backup backup plans, and an emotional support admin. You create the reunion, hype the reunion, design the reunion group chat, and then back out of the reunion because something suddenly “came up.” Nobody knows what came up. Maybe your conscience. Maybe Netflix.

Rarity: 7%

5. The Soft-Spoken Plot Twist

Favorite movie: Forrest Gump.

People think you are innocent because you don’t talk much. This is adorable. Your best friend knows the truth: you have screenshots, opinions, and enough private commentary to ruin a peaceful evening.

You read a lot, observe everything, and say nothing until the exact moment everyone has underestimated you. Then you drop one sentence so accurate that the group goes silent and someone whispers, “Damn.”

Rarity: 1%

6. The Permanent Plus-One

Favorite movie: The Princess Bride.

Somehow, everywhere you go, help arrives. Your bag is heavy, someone carries it. Your phone battery is low, someone has a charger. Your day is bad, three people assemble like a budget Avengers team. You do not even ask dramatically. You just exist with a face that says, “Surely the universe has customer support.”

Half the class thinks you are charming. The other half thinks you know exactly what you are doing. Both halves are probably right.

Rarity: 4%

7. The Everyone’s Best Friend

Favorite movie: The Dark Knight, but you say it mostly because it ends the conversation quickly.

You have friends across every social group: the studious ones, the dramatic ones, the gym people, the people who use “bro” as punctuation. Everybody thinks you are on their side, which is impressive because you are usually just trying to avoid conflict and get through the day.

You are trusted with gossip, relationship updates, emergency outfit reviews, and the kind of information no human being should be expected to safely carry.

Rarity: 6%

So these were my observations. And yes, I know the percentages don’t add up to 100. That’s because you need to add the previous categories too.

They won’t add up to 100 either. Science is hard. Peace.