Of People And Public Transport

Unless you are filthy rich and own a private jet, there has come a point in your life when you’ve had to go through the exceptionally horrid ordeal of public transport. And since I’m an aspiring researcher who has dedicated his life to meticulous generalizations, it’s time for another post dedicated to categorizations, this time regarding the people we come across during public transport.

1. The Realtor

You work for a private corporation and resort to public transport for your work commute. Because you spend a significant amount of time on the bus, you have decided to claim territory. One elbow on the left, one bag on the right, one knee making an aggressive diplomatic move into another person’s district. You are not sitting. You are expanding.

Most of the time the poor people beside you are too tired or too polite to tell you to sit properly in your own seat. Disregarding personal space is your favorite pastime.

Rarity: 30%

2. The Stare-Down Artist

You missed the class where they taught people not to stare. Or maybe you attended and failed with distinction. You look at people like you’re trying to unlock a side quest. Someone shifts uncomfortably, and instead of taking the hint, you double down like a detective in a bad thriller.

Enjoy this habit while you can, because one day someone will stare back with the calm fury of a person who has had enough, and you will suddenly remember every moral lesson you ignored as a child.

Rarity: 27%

3. The 6-Pack

Kids are cute, but only when they are sleeping. Definitely not when they are in groups of six and think the train is their playground. Almost all of them are identical, and usually coming back from school. You would think spending a major part of their day in school would tire them, but since most doze off during classes, their energy is higher than what you’d get after six shots of vodka and Red Bull.

Rarity: 19%

4. The Snorer

It’s 6:00 P.M. You’re on your way back from your 9 to 5 job to your rented one-room apartment and decide to rest your eyes for a couple of minutes. Each time you open them, you catch at least four people staring at you before realizing your destination has arrived.

You wonder how your stop came so quickly. The rest of the bus wonders whether your throat is filing a complaint against the United Nations. There is a crack on the window near your seat because your snores are more lethal than an opera singer with unresolved childhood issues.

Rarity: 21%

5. The Diligent Mother

You are coming back from your second job with your child sleeping in your arms. Occasionally, the kid wakes up and creates a singing harmony with The Snorer that few forget. You are quick to calm the kid, because this is not your first rodeo and you have the reflexes of a goalkeeper.

Everyone is tired, but you are tired in a way that makes other tired people sit up straighter. Respect.

Rarity: 6%

6. The Elder

You are the oldest person on the bus, and you are grumpy because the conductor didn’t give you your change back. You were probably in the army, or at least have the energy of someone who has told that story enough times for it to become true. You hate that kids have it easy these days. If it were up to you, they’d be wearing helmets and learning discipline the moment they turned sixteen.

You tried to change the system back in your day. Now you think it is too crooked to be fixed, but you still complain with enough precision to suggest you have not fully given up.

Rarity: 9%

7. The Loud-Mouth

People often wonder how you come up with so many things to say. You talk so loudly that even the driver hears it and gives his opinion. You are the reason most people wear earphones and blast music at full volume, but even that is futile most of the time. Your voice has better range than the network coverage.

Rarity: 17%

There are a few others too, but they’re the nice ones we don’t mind sitting next to. If you’re one of the above, it’s time to realize that the train is not your father’s property.

Peace.