How to Joke

Finally, the blog everyone was waiting for.

Just kidding. See how good I am?

Chances are, if you are a guy reading this, you probably read somewhere on the internet that funny guys are chick magnets. Probably on a website that rhymes with FruitLoop. Whatever. No one is judging. And if you’re a girl reading this, I probably begged you to.

Now before we begin, a general disclaimer: when you crack a joke, there is a likelihood that people won’t laugh. The reason might be that you are not as funny as you think you are, and the group would do better if you simply smiled mysteriously and contributed nothing. Or maybe you cracked a very intellectual joke that no one got.

The possibility of the latter is low, so don’t walk away thinking you’re some tragic genius whose comedy is too advanced for ordinary mortals. Sometimes the crowd is wrong. Sometimes you are wrong. Sometimes everyone is wrong, which is basically most group chats.

Jumping right in, we start with the one-phrase-fits-all: “your mom.” You have heard it and probably used it. This is the Swiss Army knife of lazy humor. No matter where the conversation is heading, just throw it in and watch civilization collapse by half an inch. Someone says they’re tired? Your mom. Someone asks for directions? Your mom. Someone explains a personal tragedy? Maybe don’t, actually. Even science has limits.

Moving on, another crowd favorite is making people laugh at the cost of some poor guy. Chances are, if you would pull the lever, you’ll love this one since both follow the same basic principle: sacrifice one person so the group can have a good time.

Let’s say you’re with a group of friends. Scan each and every person. Bob got a new haircut? Excellent. Point at Bob and laugh like a cartoon villain. Then say something like, “Is that a haircut or did your barber lose a bet?” Quality humor right there. You could also compliment Bob like a normal person, but where’s the trauma bonding in that?

By the way, do not try this if Bob goes to the gym. Trust me on this one.

Another classic is making the easiest possible joke and acting like you discovered fire. Rich guy in an expensive car? Say he is compensating for something. Tall person? Ask about the weather up there. Short person? Ask if they need a ladder. Congratulations, you have now joined the global committee of people who say the same five jokes and still expect applause.

The golden rule of bad jokes is this: if someone didn’t laugh, explain the joke to them. They will definitely laugh after the explanation. Nothing makes comedy funnier than a forensic breakdown delivered by a man sweating with insecurity.

Now before you go all out, remember: never, ever make a joke on yourself. Lame people do that. If you make a joke on yourself, people might think you are actually serious. Like if someone mentions that it’s Garbage Day, you could say, “Wow, I can’t believe they made a day dedicated to me,” but then people might conclude you are self-aware, and self-awareness is the first step toward becoming tolerable.

So these were just a few tips for you unfunny folks out there. Remember, if someone doesn’t laugh, maybe they didn’t get it. Or maybe they did, which is worse. Explain anyway. If they still don’t laugh, make fun of them for not getting your joke.

Until next time. Peace.