Absolutely Incredible Life Hacks

Tired of hearing from my die-hard fans, “Uncle PJ, please make an article on how to live your life to the fullest!”, I finally decided to take some time off my super busy schedule, which is mainly populated by trying to steal post ideas, to blog. I felt like it was my duty as a man not currently going through an existential crisis to enlighten others who want to walk this path.

So here are a few tips that I’m basically giving away for free:

1. Find the meaning of life. Look, we are all here for a reason. God made billions of people and apparently gave every one of us a definitive “purpose” which we are somehow expected to figure out before we die. So naturally, you should spend a lot of time asking why you were born instead of getting on with the business of living. And if you still cannot figure it out, become a saint, move to the Himalayas, smoke weed, and convince people that you finally cracked the code. Because asking “why?” to every passing thought is obviously the best use of your limited time on earth.
2. Play it safe. Some idiot once said, “To live is to risk it all.” Another famous idiot added, “To live is to risk it all. Otherwise, you’re just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you.” Playing it safe is the exact opposite of that nonsense, which is why it is so comforting. Life is all about doing what everybody else is doing, because it has already been tried and tested. Taking risks, like giving everything up for football just because it is your “passion,” is stupid. Just give football up, spend your parents’ retirement fund on college, get a job, and settle for something slightly above minimum wage. That way you never have to find out whether the risky option might have worked.
3. Have a bloated ego. Very few things matter in life. Having an ego bigger than an elephant is apparently one of them. You may not have achieved anything significant yet, but that should not stop you from acting as if you own the social hierarchy. The waiter brought your food late? Let him know civilization nearly collapsed because your pasta was delayed. Make sure to remind him that your inconvenience is a historic tragedy. Bonus points if you call him with a whistle, because dignity is for other people.
4. Be a people pleaser. Life is too short to think about pleasing yourself. You need to please every “friend” you have, otherwise they might not like you and may even talk about you behind your back. Agree with everything. If someone says something against your principles, keep quiet. Your bloated ego is only for people less fortunate than you. Always apologize if you offend someone. Never stand up for anything. Keep living your spineless, approval-hungry life and tell yourself people actually like you. If you have never stood up for anything, how can you possibly have enemies?
5. Be afraid of being alone. One of the greatest paradoxes of all time is that when you truly enjoy being alone, people want to be around you. But you, being a people-pleaser, cannot function without an audience. So always be in search of company, even if you are not even on a first-name basis with the people around you. Never go to a coffee shop with a book alone, because then people will think you do not have any friends. And the opinions of people you will never see again are obviously the foundation of a meaningful life.

So these are my incredible, 100% working life hacks, which you definitely need to follow if you want a fulfilling and purposeful life. Peace.