The Categorization Catch

Sorry to burst your bubble, but you are not as unique as you think. Chances are, you are similar to a certain percentage of the population. A general disclaimer: the following types are a work of my intense research on people, so do not get disheartened if you fall into a certain category that feels too familiar, or worse, common.

1. The Philosopher

Favorite movie: Into the Wild.

You question your existence every time you sit quietly for more than three minutes and want to know who made you, what your purpose is, and why everyone else is wasting time being normal. You think you’re above people who don’t greet each other with, “Hey man, you find yourself yet?” You love watching House M.D., and you frequently quote Rick from Rick and Morty with the confidence of someone who has mistaken cynicism for intelligence.

Rarity: 10%

2. The They-Call-Me-Jordan

Favorite movie: Space Jam.

You are so good at sports that people forgive your entire personality during match season. Academically, things are more complicated, but who needs grades when you can jump higher than the average moral standard? Your gang mostly consists of people like you, plus one apprentice who worships you even though you still do not know his full name.

Rarity: 15%

3. The Hey-Let’s-Go-To-That-Party

Favorite movie: Project X.

You are the extrovert of your group. You have a lot of friends, or at least a lot of people whose birthdays you comment on with alarming enthusiasm. You need to go out at least once a day for parties, reunions, movies, walks, or a completely unnecessary trip to buy something that could have waited. You cannot spend one second alone, because the moment silence arrives, you remember the homework deadline due tomorrow.

Rarity: 26%

4. The Anti-Social

Favorite movie: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Your favorite pastime is reading books or watching movies alone. You have a few friends, but you can trust them with your life, your terrible ideas, and your messages typed at 1 A.M. You don’t like going out much and have a hard time interacting with new people. People often say you’re an introvert, but that’s not entirely true. You just prefer spending time with people who have already passed the vibe check.

Rarity: 20%

5. The Gym Bro

Favorite movie: Rocky.

You have one hobby, and that hobby has mirrors on every wall. You flex in every partially reflective surface that comes your way and regularly bring rookies to the gym, enlightening them with broscience and hoping to make them as committed as you are. You hate cardio, eat five meals a day, and treat protein intake like a religious obligation. You love talking about yourself, but in your defense, so does everyone in your category.

Rarity: 5%

6. The Gamer Dude

Favorite movie: None. You don’t watch movies.

You have friends, but most of them are represented by usernames and questionable profile pictures. You are sleep deprived, get poor grades, and people often text you to get a life after you completely destroy them in a game. They are probably right, but also they lost, so their opinion is invalid.

Rarity: 4%

7. The Strong Silent Type

Favorite movie: The Godfather.

You are very hard to read. You don’t talk much, but when a friend asks for your help, you deliver. People think your silence means wisdom, when in reality half the time you are just deciding whether to order momos or a sandwich.

Rarity: 10%

8. The Rebel

Favorite movie: The Breakfast Club.

You don’t like to be chained down. You hate the system, the government, the timetable, the dress code, and sometimes the restaurant menu if it looks too authoritative. You talk about bringing change by radical means, but still ask your parents before staying out late. Your friends look at you with respect, and you pretend not to enjoy it.

Rarity: 9%

9. The Easy Mode Player

Favorite movie: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Everyone says life is hard, but you don’t fully understand what they’re talking about. Your family is comfortable enough that problems arrive with cushions attached. Everyone is envious of you, but you somehow think this is because of your charming personality. You entered life on easy mode with cheat codes, but to be fair, you still manage to complain about the Wi-Fi.

Rarity: 1%

10. The Tarantino Head

Favorite movie: Pulp Fiction.

You are not rare because you like Tarantino. Everyone with a poster and a mildly suspicious DVD collection has done that. You are rare because you can talk about films without turning every conversation into a director’s commentary. You love books, have very specific opinions, and only become unbearable when someone says subtitles are too much effort.

Rarity: 0.5%

Bonus: The Average Joe

Favorite movie: Probably Titanic or something.

You are so common that if I considered you in my research, you would take around 70% of the readings. You are average in everything: average grades, average popularity, average luck, average ability to remember why you entered a room. You are the middle child of the world, and sometimes even your friends forget to include you in their plans. Some of you will go on and change the world, but by then you’ll have changed and entered a different category.

These are my observations, and many of you won’t strictly fit in a single category. You are probably a combination of two or three types, which is pretty common.

Until next time.

Peace.